Me gettin' some

" He plays off the gut, Bro ! "

at :54 seconds you will hear crickets on my Monte Ellis joke...and an attempt to save it.

Me driving.

Lookin' for some humor and trying not to crash.

Did I remember to clear history?

I don't know about you guys but when someone else uses my CPU at work I go through a mental check list of everything that I browsed that I shouldn't of. The auto populating fields in google are the biggest snitches of 2007. We had to use a mgr.'s CPU for some training today. One of my co-workers made a joke about seeing some shady links on his " favorite list " and the mgr. freaked out. That was pure comedy.

Amy Winehouse.

If your named after a facility that houses wine there's a slight chance you might grow up to be an alcoholic.

Jesse 11:23

" Thou shalt not write bible verses on cubicle white board and creep your co-workers out. "

* inspired by one of my co-workers

" To Do " button on a TV remote ?

I was clicking around on the remote last night checking what Direct TV had to offer. I fat fingered one of the buttons and a " To Do " list popped up. This made me laugh. The only thing on my " To Do " list when I finally get a chance to relax is " To Do nothing." I added the
" do nothing " task to the calendar. I will be reminded nightly.

Garage Floors; the most slippery surface on earth?

It's raining. I took out the garbage. I took one step on the garage floor and almost slid 15 feet. You have been warned.

Report Hoopty Vans.

I helped my sister and her family move recently. We had to take multiple trips back and forth to the new house. I was given the 1970 something beat up hoopty van to drive. The van wasn't easy on the eyes, to say the least. I think it used to be red..but due to rust it was a unique orange color. I was able to get to the new house without issue, the drive home was another story. I had noticed that the van was smoking a little, but didn't think it was a big deal. During the drive home I got stuck in traffic, and the van's smoke went from a light puff to blinding cloud cover. I called my brother in law and told him that I needed to get off the freeway stat! We pulled off and got stuck in more traffic. I was literally engulfed in smoke at the stop light. I couldn't see out of any of the windows ( it had about 20 ). Luckily there was a jiffy lube across the street. I pulled in, turned the engine off, and took the key out. To my surprise the engine kept running. The van was pumping massive clouds of smoke into the jiffy lube garage by now. The employees and my brother ran up to me exclaiming " turn it off!" That's when I hopped out and showed them that I had the keys in my hand..and the van was making it's own decisions now. The funniest part of the story is that once we pulled into the parking lot I had a clear view of the billboard that the van almost exploded under. The Billboard read:
" Report Smoking Vehicles "

Prius.

The other day I saw an " environmentally friendly " 2007 Prius on the side of the road, broken down, with smoke pouring out of the engine. Talk about some ironic sh*t.

Motorcycle (and My Car) Parking Only.

I park in the motorcycle only parking space at work. I do this because there are two spaces and only one motorcycle rider..and I'm kick ass like that, son!. This space is easily the best real estate on the lot. The other day I drove up and there was another car parked in my motorcycle parking spot!? The nerve of some people. I've re-worked the sign so it has a more contemporary 2007 feel.

Holiday Party.

We had a holiday party at work the other day. The highlights were:

1. Talking a dude into chugging his beer in front of the entire company. I was also able to get a supportive
" Chug!, Chug!, Chug! " chant started.

2. The next day we nominated the drunkest and rowdiest co-worker for the " That Dude Award 2007 "

3. Making fun of everyone and everything.

4. Drinking free Heineken's.

The Beanie Joke.

I'm a minority and have a shaved head. When it gets cold I've been known to rock a beanie. Unlike most white people, I don't look like I'm going christmas caroling or skiing when wearing a beanie. To be honest, I probably look like a thug. My intention is not to " thug it out, " but to keep my ears from freezing and breaking off. I have always been entertained by the reactions I get. Just the other day I stopped at the gas station near my office to get smokes. There was a dude (white) gassing his Bentley GT as I pulled up. As soon as I jumped out of my car he hurriedly finished and took off. I drive a decent car (2k7 Mustang), wear decent clothes, and work in a nice area. I was wearing my badge for christ's sake. Experience tells me he was either one of two things:

1. late
2. scared

My gut instinct has me leaning towards the latter..and that makes me laugh.

Reading while not sitting.

There's this lady at work that walks around all day reading a book. She speed walks full throttle and never looks up. I'm surprised she hasn't made a wrong turn and crashed into a cubicle. When you're passing her in the hall you have to take extra precautions to avoid a collision with this unguided missle. I wonder if she reads while she drives, during sex, while watching TV..or while she's asleep?

Winning a radio contest with a pre-paid cell is difficult.

I admit, I have a pre-paid cell phone. I originally got it when I had bad credit. The credit has gotten better over the years..but I've decided to stick with it. It's 50$ a month..no overage..sounds bueno..so f it. I heard an announcement on the radio that you could win a ticket to a private show with Alicia Keys. I have not had the urge to play a radio contest in years. I wanted to win this one, for obvious reasons (she is beautiful and talented). I dialed the number as quick as I could. Here's the thing..when you dial a number on a pre-paid cell phone a lady comes on and gives you an announcement of how many hours you have left and when your next bills due. This announcement takes about 30 seconds..the longest 30 seconds of your life when you're trying to get through and win something. As I sat there waiting for the announcement to end I thought to myself, "maybe this will connect right when the line opens." I was wrong..re-dialed again, sat through the reminder lady...and...busy signal. I'm getting a regular plan tonight.

Engineers playing basketball; The most unathletic spectacle ever witnessed.

There's a basketball court near this spot I take lunch naps at. The mathletes participating in this contest are computer engineers of every sort. I've been going there at least once a week for the past 5 months. I haven't seen them make a basket yet.

Toothpaste Stain.

What's in toothpaste that makes it the most difficult stain to remove on the planet? I'm considering brushing with a barber cape on.

Karma ain't always instant.

On my way to lunch today I was driving behind a very slow driver. The dude was in the turning lane going what seemed to be 5 mph. I was short on patience/time and decided to pass him on the left and make a right turn in front of him. Basically, I cut him off. It wasn't exactly the safest move. At the time it was funny...extremely funny. I went about my business and had a pretty good rest of the day. I am a firm believer in instant karma. That is when you do something f'd up you are repaid with something f'd up..instantly. I thought I had gotten away with one. I was sadly mistaken. On my way home I had the exact same maneuver pulled on me. At the time it wasn't funny..5 hours later..it's still only a little bit funny.

The Flower Rastawoman

Here's a quick synopsis of an experience I had with this stoner flower lady outside of WalFart.

How to not get hired at Apple.

Here's a few pointers I learned after interviewing for an iTunes graveyard shift support position.

1. Don't tell them that you will keep your current day job and will work without sleep for 5 days straight.

2. Don't demand full medical benefits for a part time contract job.

3. Don't pretend to be an Apple "fanatic" by asking questions like " Do you offer tours of the main campus?"

4. Don't ask them about all the weird Apple stalkers that attempt to access the building at all hours of the night.

You are now in the know.